The Jungle in My House: Confessions of a Reluctant Houseplant Hoarder

I'm a creature of habit: houseplants out first week of May, back in mid-October—for at least 15 years. The problem? I don't even like houseplants.

Every fall, while others enjoy crunching leaves and woodsmoke, I'm dragging massive pots back inside for 5–6 months of leaf drop, heat complaints, cold complaints, and glowering from top branches.

In May, they're happy. I forget the ficus nearly took out the back door. The Norfolk pine added 10 branches and 18 inches. The rubber plant now rivals my height.

Worse: they multiply.

Fifteen years ago: one small ficus in a west window. By spring, 18 inches. Outside for summer. Fall trim—wayward branches pushed into another pot. They rooted. Two ficus by year three. Same with rubber plant. Add a schefflera. Norfolk pine arrived later (6 inches, glittered from a student).

I can't kill them. When we bought our 1973 house, only a scrawny red-margined dracaena remained—suffering from months of neglect. I nurtured it to the 9-ft ceiling, then chopped stalks to 1 ft. Threw tops in trash. Next day, guilt rescued them. Stuck in same pot—all six sprouted. Pot shopping ensued.

One year: dracaena (6 stalks), 5 ficus, 2 rubber plants, schefflera. Husband said: him or some plants. Near Christmas, no room for tree. I kept husband, gave away two ficus. No takers. Desperation: covered them in Christmas lights, set in front garden—outdoor decor in a blaze of glory.

Bringing them in takes two days. Day 1: vinegar + Dawn spray on every leaf/branch (ladder, nimble legs required). Drip dry, bugs flee. Day 2: clear water rinse, dry, then the push-pull-drag marathon. Sometimes bird nests in ficus branches—unknown until then.

I should trim. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I only shape. Sometimes nothing—fearing whatever I chop, I'll pot up.

This year: three ficus (one 3 ft, two ceiling-height), two 4-ft rubber trees, 4-ft Norfolk pine, 4-ft-wide schefflera. Nearly widened the door to get them in.

Why can't I cut back, give away, leave out? I don't know. I can cut—I just can't throw away the pieces. So they multiply.

It's fall. Without this ritual, I'd have nothing to moan about. Truth is, I don't like houseplants. They just don't know that.

Welcome to my jungle.

All photos by author. (Editor's Note: Originally published November 3, 2009.)